Archive for February 14th, 2007

Okay, so if you happen to like squishy orange Jello, some badass wrestling moves and girls in scantily-clad outfits, then you have GOT to check out the next showing of an amateur female jello wrestling competition that takes place monthly.

Don Hills Bar was just the lucky place to be on Sunday, 2/11. These Jello champions (the willing female participants) ranged in age from 20’s to 30’s and were from all across the board; some were students studying subjects from dentistry to theatre. Then you had the career women just looking for a great night of fun: a social worker, a live-in nanny, a marketing professional and even a professional flogger-maker (you know- those leather whip-like devices for pleasure/pain/punishment, etc).

So, first the ladies started with a wrestling lesson at 6:30 PM that included some safety tips and then practice, practice, practice of lots of crowd-pleasing fake and real wrestling moves like ‘the hairpull’, the ‘double leg toss’, the ‘hip throw’ and of course the ‘one legged boob pin’. Fun, hip event founder Dana Sterling and Mike the movement instructor stressed the importance of safety.

After the lesson, all the ladies trekked down to the chilly dressing room: BOOM: instantly taken back to the silly and sweet 2nd grade slumber parties of years gone by mixed with good ‘ol college sorority days- these women were amazing! Some dug through the community costume trunk while others brought their own specialty wardrobe from home. They created inventive wrestling names like ‘The Claw’, ‘Sweet Kahlua Spice’, ‘Tiger Lily’ and ‘Acid’ and they created personas with backstories.

So, hesitantly, I donned my snakeskin painted leggings and one red-feathered fishnet glove with matching red-feathered collar (of course) and I jumped into the ring.

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If cable television has taught me anything it’s that there’s a fine line between feminism and soft core porn. That lesson was illuminated for me in all its glory the other night as I experienced for the first time: AMATUER FEMALE JELLO WRESTLING!

As run by Dana Sterling (the Grande Dame of Jell-O wrestling) and her crack staff, this is definitely NOT your creepy Uncle Jack’s back room dollar bill fueled filth fest. And honestly, I would’ve been cool if it were, but what these ladies have created is a for girls by girls good time that’s more about showmanship and sisterhood than it is about raunch.

The wrestlers in waiting arrive around 6:30 to discuss character development, create a costume, go through a safety orientation and take a lesson in saphic, slapstick stagecraft. Turns out, just like in real life, success in the Jell-O octagon depends on open communication and learning how to fall properly.

At 8:00 the party kicks in with a dj and a live band. In keeping with the Grrl Power theme of the evening they try to book all female or chick fronted bands. The night I went they had a funky rock outfit named: Rotten Cherry.

The event is handily emceed by Veronica Vicious, a curvaceous, saucy tongued Marv Albert in a tiara and pink prom dress channeling the late, great Anna Nicole Smith. She keeps the audience whipped into a froth with her wrestler interviews and improvised ring side announcing.

Sample Dialogue:
Superslut (a wrestler) - “I’m gonna slut ALL over her!”
Veronica- “Wow! That sounds wet!”
I defy you to find a wittier discourse anywhere in the wide world of sports casting.

Sample play by play analysis during a match:
“Tiger Lily fights with Native American power while The Claw has…A Claw!… and now a hot ass is up in the air. Screw the boys ladies, that is a hot ass! Now let’s see some SPANKING!”
-needless to say, I’m helplessly in love with Ms. Vicious.

The whole night is a sticky tour de force of feminism at its bustiest best. With names like: Tinkerbelle,; Acid; and Lady Venom, these ladies tongue firmly in cheek are blazing a trail of gender equality with class cascading out of their cleavage and pride pouring forth from their pantalones.

Sure, I sported wood through most of the proceedings, but these babes are no mere mindless objects of lust, they are blue- blooded, drunken embodiments of all that is righteous and true. In a word these young ladies are America! And I, for one, applaud their courage and their feminine mystique.

Amateur Female Jell-O Wrestling is an experience I would recommend for all and sundry. I went in looking for greased up nipple slips and malicious wardrobe malfunctions. I came away though, wiser,with a new found respect for the ladies… and a wicked case of blue balls.

What You Need To Know:

• Next Jell-O night: March 11 @ Don Hill’s on Spring and Greenwich
• For more details go to: Jellowrestle.com
• Those standing ringside WILL GET WET!