On April 7th the Lord smiled down upon the Earth for Ben & Jerry’s declared it Free Ice Cream Cone Day for all! I set out on a holy pilgrimage that day out of respect, religious fervor and a gluttony for sweets that stands unparalleled throughout the land. The following is a recap of that glorious ice creamtastic day.

Noon

3rd ave by 10th street

I head out to hit all the Ben & Jerry’s in Manhattan (Brooklyn scares me.) This first location has little to no line. I figure it’s because the pot smokin’ hippies of the east village don’t get their wake and bake munchies till later in the day.

I order a chocolate fudge brownie cone and donate $2 to the store’s pet charity: Breast Cancer Action Coalition. At long last I get to combine my twin loves of fudgy ice cream and boobies.

12:40pm

23rd street and 8th ave

After a ten minute wait I finally get my Half Baked cone. I don’t know what’s in it, but I love it. This store is collecting money for Break the Cycle: an aids awareness bike ride through NYC. I think it’s very cool that as the stores give out free cones they are also collecting for various local charities.

Next door to the shop is one of my favorite places on the planet. A bar called Trailer Park. I decide to stop in for some tater tots. Turns out this decision would almost be my undoing.

1:45pm

Macy’s Herald Square, 4th floor

Filled with tater tots, my stomach starts to churn as I head through the fourth floor of Macy’s to reach my next target. In order to get to the Ben & Jerry’s in Macy’s one has to walk through a football sized shoe department.

By the time I got to the counter all I could smell was old shoe, and my tounge was actually covered in a fine film that tasted of foot.

Fortunately, there was no line here and I dug into my Creme Brulee cone banishing the foot flavor from my tastebuds and replacing it with golden deliciousity.

2:15pm

Rockerfeller Center- underground

This was by far the longest wait of the day. I stood for 45 minutes with slack jawed cubicle zombies as they waited for a brief taste of happiness in their otherwise meaningless 9 to 5 lives.

I had the Cherry Garcia and felt altruistic as I donated to their pet charity: The St. Stanislaus Losta Church. It was also around this time I began to cramp up.

3:30pm

43rd street and 8th ave

I haven’t had a brain freeze all day, but I started getting milk blindness at about this point. My insides were soupy, my bowels were declaring a state of emergency and my arteries were begging me to quit. But dammit, my journalistic integrity wouldn’t allow it.

I brave a ten minute line and donate a few dollars to The Dwelling Place, a shelter for homeless women. Then another cone: Strawberry Cheese.

4:15pm

104th street and Broadway

The line here’s about twenty minutes, mostly because the local grade school just let out and the children are swarming. I yell at two little punks and a homeless man who all tried to cut in line ahead of me.

I get my last cone of the day: Sweet Cream and Cookies. This store isn’t collecting for charity, but they have a face painter. I ask her if she could make me look like Gene Simmons from Kiss. She gives me a dirty look. All in all a very successful day!

Plan For Next Year:

• Best Location: Macy’s- No line and they offer every flavor

• Worst Location: Roc Center- The line’s too long and the people are like depressed prisoners in a white collar hell

• Best Flavor: Creme Brulee (available exclusively at Macy’s)

• Worst Flavor: Foot (available exclusively at Macy’s)

All jokes aside, it’s a wonderful thing when companies use promotions like this to raise money and awareness for charities. It’s a lesson from which we can all learn.